My Greatest Fear
I realized these two things over the past couple weeks.
I am scared of getting close with God.
I am scared of habitually reading Scripture.
I am scared that if I get close to God, I will be disappointed. I fear that He won't satisfy me as much as I had hoped. I fear He won't be worth the cost of dying to myself. I am scared that if I read Scripture often, I could find out that Scripture really doesn't work or really isn't neccessary. It ultimately comes down to me fearing that being close w/ God or reading Scripture won't change me much; I won't be able to see any tangible difference in my life; the benefits won't outweigh the cost. Here is how I respond to my two fears:
As long as I keep my distance from God and just dabble in Scripture from week to week, they can't really let me down. They can't possibly be overrated or fail to meet expectations since they have yet to really be experienced. As long as I don't vigorously seek God and His Truth, I can still believe that seeking God and His Truth would bring happiness. Make sense?
It's like the mom who refuses to look on her son's computer in case she might find his porn. As long as she doesn't look, she can still believe what she wants to believe...that her son is innocent. She doesn't want to be proved wrong, even if it's for her and her son's own good.
This is more of a journal entry than a blog post, but whatever. I actually do believe that God satisfies more than anything else in this world, and that Scripture has the power to change and does. And that I KNOW this stuff is real (because honestly, He HAS changed me, and He HAS satisfied me). But I think it's this lingering doubt deep down that keeps me from running after God with all I have...because what in the world will I do if I find out God is not who He says He is??
I am scared of getting close with God.
I am scared of habitually reading Scripture.
I am scared that if I get close to God, I will be disappointed. I fear that He won't satisfy me as much as I had hoped. I fear He won't be worth the cost of dying to myself. I am scared that if I read Scripture often, I could find out that Scripture really doesn't work or really isn't neccessary. It ultimately comes down to me fearing that being close w/ God or reading Scripture won't change me much; I won't be able to see any tangible difference in my life; the benefits won't outweigh the cost. Here is how I respond to my two fears:
As long as I keep my distance from God and just dabble in Scripture from week to week, they can't really let me down. They can't possibly be overrated or fail to meet expectations since they have yet to really be experienced. As long as I don't vigorously seek God and His Truth, I can still believe that seeking God and His Truth would bring happiness. Make sense?
It's like the mom who refuses to look on her son's computer in case she might find his porn. As long as she doesn't look, she can still believe what she wants to believe...that her son is innocent. She doesn't want to be proved wrong, even if it's for her and her son's own good.
This is more of a journal entry than a blog post, but whatever. I actually do believe that God satisfies more than anything else in this world, and that Scripture has the power to change and does. And that I KNOW this stuff is real (because honestly, He HAS changed me, and He HAS satisfied me). But I think it's this lingering doubt deep down that keeps me from running after God with all I have...because what in the world will I do if I find out God is not who He says He is??
posted by Martin | 5:47 PM
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