Two paragraphs: hell, heaven

When hanging out with people, I so often feel like I have to perform for them. Not entertain neccessarily, but atleast bring something to the table; at least be funnier, wiser, or more interesting than the average person present in the hangout group. Here's what I've noticed: regardless of whether I'm successful at that or not, I end up hating life more in the longrun. If I'm successful, I'm temporarily feel good because I've come one step closer to satisfying my craving for people to like me, but I need it just the same the next time. If I fail, I get this 'woe is me' attitude because I feel like God has robbed me somehow of glory that I'm due. The only times I really enjoy other people's company is not when I'm succeeding at performing, but when I'm not even conscious of how I'm doing at all. (I've noticed that mostly happens around family and friends from back home. I think that's why we value them so much...because we often don't have to impress them for them to care about us.)

(i'm not so sure how related this next paragraph is, but here it is nonetheless)
I think deeply understanding the Gospel is the only hope of fixing myself and how people relate to each other in general. This is how the church is Biblically supposed to look and function. Being friends with people who we wouldn't normally be friends with. Caring about people without us having to get something out of it. Loving being in the other person's presence just because they're family. Giving up almost anything to ease the other person's pain. Not being so consumed with promoting self. And of course, we wouldn't have to perform for people to deem us worthy and valuable. No wonder the Scripture talks about this type of Biblical community being essential to life. But because of our sin and the walls we put up, maybe we won't really see this happen this side of heaven.